Gamamari Makes Some Noise

Noise had never expected to fall in love so quickly and yet with Tharunka, it had been so easy. What had started out as a sensual makeout behind the Matthews building turned into over a year of devotion. They would spend their days with their fingers intertwined, stealing forehead kisses between classes. At night, Noise memorised every freckle on his partner’s body, tracing the gaps between them like constellations. He could no longer imagine a life without his lover.

Despite Tharunka’s initial fear, they quickly assimilated into Noise’s friend group and its colourful cast of characters. Funnily enough, it was Noise’s best friend Woroni who pushed him to ask his crush out in the first place. Although they were rowdier than the company Tharunka generally kept, their parties became a safe haven from the worries of the world. It was at one of these parties that one of Noise’s friends had done Tharunka’s makeup for the first time; something that soon became a staple of their appearance. It wasn’t until that moment that Tharunka realised that there had been very few queer people in his life thus far.

Tharunka was always scared someone would realise that something was different about them. As a kid, if someone were to describe him, it’d be colourful. He loved using all the crayons in the box and was always confused when they were told not to use pink or purple; some things were for girls and others were for boys. 

After the incessant bullying he went through as a child, Tharunka knew the last thing on earth he wanted to be perceived as was queer. It had taken him weeks to muster the courage to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public. There was a part of him that got anxious being seen on a date with his boyfriend; something felt off. Yet for Noise and his friends, it was so easy. There was no fear in Noise’s eyes when a bigot shot him a dirty look. Over time, Tharunka felt their own fear chip away until they felt themself letting go of a breath they didn’t realise they’d been holding their entire life. 

Noise knew that dating somebody working through their own internalised issues required a lot of support. He prided himself on being a supportive boyfriend and always putting his partner’s happiness first.  Yet he couldn’t help but feel there had been a growing distance between the two of them. Tharunka would cut their interactions short in between classes and pull his hand away whenever Noise tried to hold it. He’d never admit it, but Noise spent his nights tossing and turning over the thought of his partner leaving him. 

Finally, Noise decided he had to break this stalemate, even if it meant being dumped. He folded the note before placing it on his partner’s table during their lecture. 

Meet Me Behind the Mathews Building After Class - N

The last forty-five minutes of class had felt like an eternity, neither of them registering a single word their professor spurted. Noise wasted no time going to their designated meeting spot, knowing that Tharunka was usually punctual. He found himself waiting for almost twenty minutes like a dejected puppy. As the clock ticked, the desperation was being replaced by bitter anger. Yet, when Noise finally saw his lover, the anger instantly evaporated. All he felt was concern.

“Baby. Have you been crying?” Noise whispered, cupping Tharunka’s face.

Tharunka didn’t respond yet, their eyes were puffy. 

“Talk to me,” Noise whispered with a strained voice. “Please.”

Tharunka just looked down at the pavement, avoiding eye contact. 

“Have I done something wrong?” Noise asked. 

Tharunka shook their head in response with wide eyes, looking up at Noise to reassure him. 

“Then what is it? You can tell me anything you know,” Noise murmured. He ran his fingers through Tharunka’s hair to calm them down. 

After a deep breath, Tharunka finally spoke. 

“Promise you won’t be mad?” Tharunka pleaded.

“I could never be mad at you,” Noise assured.

“Well, recently I realised a lot of things just weren't quite right,” Tharunka said

“Are you saying you want to break up?” Noise inhaled, already having accepted his fate. 

“No!” Tharunka sharply responded. “God no! I cannot imagine a life without you.”

“So what exactly wasn’t quite right then if it wasn’t me?” Noise whispered.

“Well, up until we met, I never realised that I was allowed to be myself. I mean you and Honi and all your other friends do it so easily all the time,” Tharunka said softly.

“You just need to be more confident,” Noise chimed. Tharunka shook their head. 

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that I realised that the reason I have been struggling with being perceived as your boyfriend isn’t because of you or my internalised homophobia – it’s because I’m just not your man,” Tharunka stuttered. 

“I’m not following,” Noise said, a puzzled expression on his face. 

“I feel like I’ve spent so long pretending to be this guy, Tharunka, when in reality, it’s all been this big performance.” Tharunka’s voice grew softer, “It’s just so exhausting to pretend to be this character. It’s made me dread having to be out in public.”

Noise always reassured Tharunka when there were changes to their appearance. He understood that Tharunka was still discovering the way they wanted to present. Nothing compared to the way his partner’s eyes lit up when they made a change they knew would stick. He remembers the first time vividly; a lick of pale blue nail polish that had become Tharunka’s signature shade since. 

“You don’t have to pretend with me,” Noise whispered.

There was a moment of silence before Tharunka spoke.

“Noise, I think I was meant to be born a girl,” they finally uttered. 

It was at that moment that all of the puzzle pieces clicked in Noise’s brain. 

“You mean you are a girl,” Noise mumbled and kissed his partner’s forehead. “My beautiful girl.”

The tears started rolling down her cheeks. It was the first time somebody saw her the way she’d wanted to be seen and he had done so with his gentle loving orbs. She couldn’t help but cry into his chest. 

“Thank you,” she breathed through her sobs.

“For what?” Noise asked.

“For loving me,” she said, struggling to answer.

“Baby, loving you is as easy as breathing to me,” he whispered. “You are the strongest, smartest and most beautiful woman I know.”

He slowly moved his fingers through her hair trying to calm her down. 

“I know I’ll never be able to understand what it’s like to be you but that doesn’t mean I won’t support you every single second of every single day. There are some amazing communities of trans people out there if you ever want to talk to someone who relates to the experience. We can try and find one together if you’d like. I mean we’ve been to the queer collective before – I heard they have a trans autonomous group on campus,” Noise assured. 

She nodded and looked up at him, prompting him to kiss her eager lips. 

“I love you Tharunka,” he mumbled. “So damn much.”

She froze upon hearing that name; it felt like poison on his lips. Noise instantly regretted it, scrambling to unsay it. 

“I’m sorry. I should have asked if you wanted to be called that or something else,” he apologised. 

“It’s okay,” she breathed. “It’s not your fault.”

“Do you know what you want to be called? You don’t have to know; it can take some time to figure out what’s right. We can also try out a new name and see how it feels,” Noise said supportively.

“Let’s try Gamamari,” she said as if the name was a magic spell.

“Gamamari,” Noise confirmed, smiling gently. “My beautiful girlfriend Gamamari.”

In her heart, she knew there wouldn’t be another name. The way it sounded on his lips confirmed it. Gamamari.