Minns Announces Urgent Measures... Against Criticising Him

First-hand experiences of police violence at the Town Hall protests have been published in student papers across the state, after these accounts faced near silence from the country's largest media conglomerates. Police retribution against protesters has even continued afterwards, with outspoken LGBTQIA+ activists being attacked and physically removed from the 2026 Sydney Mardi Gras parade. In response, Premier Chris Minns addressed his concerns at a snap press conference outside the NSW Parliament.

"I'd like to address some deeply distressing and frankly quite disturbing news that has come out recently," he began.

"My actions are being criticised…again. It's an intense shock to hear of this happening despite our greatest efforts to protect social cohesion by any means necessary."

Standing in the very same place where the NSW Police protected neo-Nazis standing in the streets only a few months earlier, Minns went on to describe where many of the critical remarks against him came from and why that made them especially heinous.

"Many of these criticisms are being pushed by entitled activists within universities largely funded by the same government they claim to condemn. These university students seem to believe that being surrounded by the values of pursuing the truth and academic freedom somehow gives them permission to lecture me on fanciful notions like 'police brutality,’ 'authoritarianism,’ and even 'obligations under international law to arrest war criminals.’ “There’s a shocking lack of common sense and basic decency here—labelling people as war criminals for their actions has no place in a liberal democracy."

Visibly shaken, he took a moment to call for unity in the face of such overwhelming adversity. Unexpectedly, the unity he called for was not for the sake of New South Wales.

"At a time when the state should have been demonstrating our social cohesion by welcoming the incredibly unifying Isaac Herzog, divisive protestors were dedicated to nothing more than importing a conflict from thousands of kilometres away."

Following this, Minns breathlessly described the true extent of the injustice he was forced to endure when student newspapers published accounts of those at the Town Hall protest, with a righteous anger made only more pronounced by the vacant stares of the uniformed officers flanking him on either side.

"Self-proclaimed 'student journalists' are platforming people who claim that the Police Force’s actions were violent and even illegal from their direct experience with them at the protest. However, these first-hand accounts directly contradict my previous statements and those of Police Commissioner Mal Lanyon, making it seem as if our statements were false and misleading, underhandedly sowing doubt in them. News agencies run by responsible citizens like Rupert Murdoch understand this and respect the word of the Police Force, but these divisive individuals would rather smear our reputation with clearly doctored eyewitness accounts and video evidence." 

“Student Representative Councils in universities funded by our taxpayer money have even stooped to the level of calling for my resignation,” he added, emphasising the need for urgent action against this affront.

Minns then introduced the new laws passed to ensure that nothing like this can ever happen again, crediting those who had personally inspired him in coming to that decision with stoic resolve, or an imitation of it at least.

"Strong leadership is needed to weather this egregious wave of hate speech. Inspired by President Trump and his decisive action against uncooperative universities like Harvard, I'm glad to announce that any university in New South Wales that allows divisive commentary can now have its funding immediately frozen upon the advice of the Police Commissioner."

The press conference ended later than scheduled, with the Premier leaving the stand with pointed final words as police snipers faithfully collected overtime twenty stories above.

"I'll conclude with a parting quote from The Honourable Scott Morrison. During a time when he faced frivolous student protests, he wisely provided a refreshing perspective to his critics that I'd like to repeat today: Not far from here, such marches even now are being met with bullets."